Cinda…really?

Let’s watch the trailer for Disney’s Cinderella (2015), which grossed $67,877,361 on its opening weekend this month.

…what? Oh, sorry, did you say something? BECAUSE I WAS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ASLEEP. OH MY GOD.

You’re telling me that this is Disney’s “remake” of the classic fairy tale? This is their “updated” Cinderella? They spend $95,000,000 and all they can come up with is Lily James on a juice fast and Helena Bonham Carter in a blonde wig?

Maybe when I drifted off after the first three seconds of this snooze fest I missed the good parts. Are you sure they didn’t present us with Cinderella as an cyborg in Beijing? Or Cinderella on a crusade to undo a curse that left her doomed to life of feminine obedience? How about a Cinderella in a love triangle between a dangerous fairy king and a charismatic huntress? Or a Cinderella whose dearly departed mother reappears to her in the form of a beautiful fish, and then when her stepmother finds out, she COOKS THE FISH!? (That’s messed up, right?)

The only news stories about this movie are seriously about how Lily James went on a liquid diet to fit into “the corset”. Question: WHY DID THEY MAKE THE CORSET FIRST? WHY CAN’T THEY MAKE A CORSET THAT FITS LILY JAMES?

Disney’s Cinderella (2015), I pronounce you RIDICULOUS.

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OUCH.

Is the Into the Woods movie any good?

-S

ps. Please feel free to post additional FUN Cinderella retellings in the comments.

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